When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
My mama noticed funny things I did,
Like shootin’ puppies with a B B gun
I’d poison guppies, and when I was done
I’d find a pussycat and bash in its head
That’s when my mama said

What did she say?

She said, “My boy, I think someday
You’ll find a way
To make your natural tendencies pay
You’ll be a dentist
You have a talent for causing things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You’ll be a success

Here he is, folks the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas!
Oh, my gosh!
He’s a dentist and he’ll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?

Oh that hurts! I’m not numb!

Oh, shut up. Open wide, here I come!
I am your dentist
And I enjoy the career that I picked
I am your dentist
And I get off on the pain I inflict
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid
It’s swell though they tell me I’m maladjusted.
And though it may cause my patients distress,
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama’s proud of me
Oh, mama
‘Cause I’m a dentist and a success!